The Perfect Gift

my new iPhone  (i should really write about how my iPhone has completed me... save that for another day)...  anyways, my new iPhone has an app for christmas gift shopping...

let's you know how many people you have to buy for - 71 - how much you have spent - yikes - and you enter in when you have wrapped and delivered your presents...

thrilling...  i've spent so much time using this app that now i have 8 days left till christmas and only three gifts wrapped...  but brilliant...

every year i love trying to think of the perfect gift for those on my list...  a few i don't give a whole lot of thought to... sorry uncle ted...  but for the 68 others i really, really enjoy thinking about what would make them smile or cry when they open it...

or dance for joy...  really the best reaction is tears... that's when you know that you've outdone yourself...

unless the person is a crier... i which case i usually get socks or tea towels for that person...

let's take these three for example... you first of all would think - get 'em a hat... but you'd be wrong cuz this was just a silly, crazy family get-together for my grandma's birthday and these ladies got out of hand... 

that's my mom on the right...  she thinks her gardener's hat is hilarious right there...  

so she's the one that i usually try to get NOT to cry... cuz that's more of a challenge than the other option....  

she usually cries when we arrive at her house, then sienna will say something sweet and she'll cry, then she'll cry about forgetting to have thawed the turkey, then she'll cry at the christmas eve service because the candlelight is so magical, so by christmas morning i feel like for her sake and for ours she needs a breather...  

a gag gift is perfect for her...  a rubber chicken or funny napkins...  

this leads me to the next kind of gift...  donating to a charity in the name of someone on your list...

been there, done that...  kinda quit doing it when i got it in return...  

30th birthday and my husband decides saving the life of a panda bear is more important than my happiness that day....  

i mean - you do get that sense of overwhelming goodness... 

it's just you don't have a present and i got him one for his 30th...  and then you feel awfully selfish if you claim that your need for the new gucci perfume is above that of the helpless little panda...

my question is... did the 'charity gift-giver' just not have a good gift idea or ran out of time and decided that they'd tell you that the charity gift is in your name... 

even though they were going to donate all along anyways... 

they 'kill two birds with one stone'...  get their charity on and christmas gift shopping all done on one day online...  

or...  does one take it as a hint that they are being told to be a bit more selfless and that it is disgusting the pedicure bubble bath they bought themselves... when millions don't own shoes???  

i usually like to include in the charity card a little... "merry christmas... hint, hint - you could do more charity work"...  

third point... the gift of 'presence' instead of 'presents'...  

only issue i have with this is that you are assuming the the recipient would rather you and your 'stories' and 'jokes' rather than an actual gift... 

 i feel like you should really do some soul searching before you decide what is actually better... 

you or a blender... 

last of all...  this is my idea for this year...  the perfect gift... what christmas is all about... 

the gift of LOVE...  

this is truly why Jesus came to earth right???  to share love and teach us how to love???

so... i'm wrapping up boxes filled with...  

'the idea of love'... 

and when friends, family, coaches, teachers....  when they open the empty boxes and look puzzled and bewildered...  

i'll say, "can you feel it???  it's LOVE...  it's invisible... but it's real... enjoy"...  

you can't stop or out yell.... a yeller...

so - before i had my boys in hockey - i had heard stories of hockey parents yelling at their children... screaming horrible things like 'you are horrible' at their tiny little offspring out on the cold ice...

i thought i'd only ever be filled with pride and amazement watching my children learn the game...

until the first game... brandon was 4... and i couldn't seem to help myself... it was like i was being taken over and i had to yell, cheer, clap (note to self - get good clapping mittens), and critique every moment he was on the ice...

thank goodness he was on a large enough team that i got a few 'breathers' when he was on the bench!!!


so - this is just a thought to all those hockey yelling parents out there...

first of all - i get it  - i understand the urge to yell at your child... like you've never messed up in your own personal life and you have every right to yell at them publicly...  i just did it last saturday...

second of all - has anyone ever out yelled you and stollen your thunder??? and it was like you didn't even know where to go from there???

i'm one of the top yellers in my town... this was pointed out to me at the novice game on saturday... they didn't give me an award or anything (as i thought might be appropriate)...  instead just merely pointed out that i do not stop talking or yelling...

and then the question was asked "what do your boys think of that?"

well... i'm sure when they hear me they are mad... embarrassed... resigned to the fact that i'm loud...

on the flip side... you just don't hear kids having the conversation "so when you scream at your mom, throw your shoes, lay on the ground and hold your breath till you turn blue, what does your mom think about that?  does she like it?"

not that i'm justifying my behaviour by my three year old daughter's behaviour...  but she deserves to be yelled at during can skate i think...  ;)

i was out yelled during hockey this spring...  horribly out yelled...  and i didn't know what to do with it...  i actually had to re-assess cheering and how to cheer... it caused me to take a breather and think to myself "does anyone need to yell - 'watch that cherry-picker' 26 times in a game?"   

so as i'm listening to the parents that were able to out-yell me... 

the different styles, voice patterns, hockey term usage, repetition...  i got thinking...  

yellers only yell if they can be the top yeller...  or at least in the mix...  

if you are way 'out matched' yelling you just get silent...  

also...  instead of videoing my child out on the ice, what if i videoed the yelling and we had 'tape sessions' to go over how we could improve the yelling, maybe take it to a different level...  and in some cases tone down the amount of veins that pop out on men's necks as they yell...  

one of the best was when i saw the 'look of death' shot out to a child from his parent...  i'll never forget this look...  just so you can get a mental picture...   

- eyes blood shot (common at hockey tournaments in winnipeg)

- veins at a Sylvester Stallone level on the neck and forehead

- eyes squinting ever so slightly... the left eye twitching...

- head slowly going in a back and forth shake... like there has never been anything more dissapointing than loosing that face-off....

- the lips (needing some chapstick in the worst way) 'mouthing' in slow motion words like 

'you... better... not... want... a.... ride... home...'

- after the slow motion...  a blood curtailing scream 'GET GOING'...  still sends chills up my spine... 

this was all very shocking...  until i realized that the glass on the boards at this rink was just cleaned far better than i was used to and here it was a reflection of myself and everyone was starring at me.... 

OK....  so i'm teasing about some of this...

conclusion...  

so... unless there are a few out screaming me and i just get quiet...  which can happen...  

because i realize my cheer would sound like a small kitten's noises (i like to imagine those noises) in comparison... i do like to feel like i went to a game and cheered... out loud...  

if i'm with a rather 'quiet' crowd....  you will hear alot of ...

"hurry"

"go hard"

oh wait... these are my curling cheers... right, hockey...

"go hard" (i believe this applies in any sport apparently)

"let's go stars"

"give me an S... (silence)... give me a T... (silence)...  give me an A... (2 people move to a different section)... give me a R (i see one lady slip some bailey's into her coffee and roll her eyes)... what does that spell??? (this is when a few giggle and yell STAR...  because i've forgotten the S at the end)..."

"don't humiliate your family name" (like what they are doing on the ice could do any more damage than what i've already done in the stands)

"two hands on your stick"

"one hand on your stick... and then two.."

"win the draw to beater..." (i've found alot of hockey players have nicknames... sometimes i say them wrong)

"what do you want to eat after the game is over???"

i've decided... i don't need to yell less...  i need to sit alone...  

laundry...

just a thought...







whoever is creatively designing the 'Hurley' long sleeved t-shirts for Costco... 2 things need to be said...

#1 excellent price point...

any mother of boys understands that you do not want to be spending over $15 on a long sleeve t-shirt that will be wrecked within three months...

#2  confusing color scheme...

so - this is how laundry is done at the farm here...
           - we have two laundry baskets in the laundry room
           - no individual hampers
           - all dirty clothes get separated into two categories - lights or darks
           - (forgot - jason's work clothes have a separate basket... as does my 'lady delicates')
         
so - you can understand my confusion when these long sleeve Hurley t-shirts have black t-shirt with WHITE arms...

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???

dull the black in the light's hamper

make the white look grey in the dark's hamper


the decision i came to was put them in the dark's hamper and when the white sleeves look gross, i can just cut them off...  kinda like i do in the spring with all of Jason's jeans...
(he loves a good cut-off jean short)                

preparing for death... always...

i don't think i'm obsessed... with dying...  but i like to be prepared...

for instance...  i planned when to have children...  the only months i thought were appropriate to give birth in were feb - may...   i had my reasons...  i found out later not a whole lot of people do this...

so when jason and i recently went to new york, i spent the better part of three days preparing my house in case the plane crashed and we died...

he thought this was a little morbid and did not help me...

my thinking on this is - who do you think is going to have to clean out your house if the plane crashes and you die...  yes, momma and mother-in-law...  creepy...

i have my will all set... and in a fire proof safe along with any important financial documents and of course my medallion and ribbon collection from elementary school... i'm pretty sure my children want to see that i placed 5th in ball throw in grade 3...

when i was younger, i would 'boobi-trap' my diary just to see if anyone was reading it and i was pretty confident my mother was reading it...  

so now i have to have a big box with a label on it... 'do not look in or snoop through... or you will regret it'...  now, i do feel like this might be too much temptation for my mother to not look... so this is just a 'test' box... inside this box is just one piece of paper saying 'i know i'm dead, but i'm really disappointed in your self-control'...  

i think this will freak her freak enough to maybe not snoop through the actual box of stuff i have that says 'snoop if you really must... but i suggest not'... 

i made sure all the laundry was done... closets cleaned...  garbage taken...  everything labeled that could possibly be labeled...

i even go as far as to leave letters to my three children of things i think they need to know - if someone else is 'raising' them...   

my in-laws are their guardians and i feel like they are a good choice as i'm happy with how my husband turned out and they live 3 miles from our house...   but there are a few differences that i need the kids to know... 

like my take on who is the best team in the nfl and why...  (although i'm sure they would have come to the logical conclusion that you should either cheer for the Packers or the Steelers)

in writing these letters i became so sad i could barely leave and go on my trip... for fear the plane crashed and i didn't get to raise them!!!  

i also prepare myself and my luggage for possible plane crashing or customs search...  

by preparing myself... i mean that no one wants to see grandma undies on a 'woods woman' ... even if it is a dead woman from a plane crash...  oh no - i get out my special 'anniversary' underwear to travel in...  slightly uncomfortable but i feel like the payoff of looking good dead is worth it...

my luggage (because i have been held at customs enough times now) is neatly organized and only my top quality 'fruit of the loom' make the cut for packing time!!!  

conclusion...  i feel like it's time for a conclusion...  

i have decided on any upcoming trips with just jason and i that we will be travelling on different flights...  the chances of two planes going down is unheard of right???  

i haven't decided on different hotels in case of a hotel fire... i feel like i need to do a bit more research on the chances of dying in a hotel fire...  but this is something i'm looking into...  

possibly things like walking on the other side of the street to him... getting on a different subway train... taking two taxis...  

hmmmm....  i might need to start working i'm realizing to pay for these 'risk management' fees!

but what if the stress of working outside the home gets to me and takes years off my life and i end up dying early because of that???  

(ok... that was a long conclusion... and i feel like i didn't resolve any issues i was having... just going to have to stop typing...  and start googling the risk factors of all activities i'm involved in... should be fun!!!)

happiness...

pondering happiness alot lately...   i like to be happy... i feel like one should be happy and if you are not happy, you need to make life choices to become happy... and if that doesn't work, pretend to be happy... and if you can't manage that, maybe don't go out in public or update your facebook status...  :)

so here i go... gonna watch oprah's lifeclasses....   i'm sure everything will be fine after that!!!  for sure...

i want to be this happy...  i want Sienna's happiness...  i'm worried when she leaves me and goes to school someday,  there will be no one around to make me happy...

good idea... i should homeschool her... keep her around me... she can live with me forever... great idea...

you know what else makes me happy???  spending money...

you know what else???  buying things...

you know what else???  quality time with my family and friends... and then sneaking off to buy something online...  and then more quality time...

so - there's got to be more to happiness than money and spending it right???  maybe... maybe...  we'll see what oprah has to say...  she doesn't have much money...

i remember watching oprah and gayle's big road trip... and oprah saying she hadn't filled a car up with gas since '83...  and gayle and oprah laughing like normal people say such things...  and then gayle sang and oprah put headphones on and didn't listen... and 4 hours later i was wondering why i wasted 4 hours watching them banter back and forth.... and had no idea where Sienna was...

ok... i will make a list of things that make me happy...

1) mon...  monday's - i actually like the beginning of the week... this is laundry day and i get to watch ellen without feeling guilty...  and ellen makes me happy - take that oprah...


2) winning...  yes - i enjoy my Packer's winning...  when i play crib with my son and beat him every time...  when i predict what is going to happen on Blue Bloods before Jason does...  Tom Selleck makes me happy...

3) clean things... and things put in order...  (this might be an issue for a therapist)

4) funny jokes... especially my own... at which i cannot stop laughing until i've cried, sighed, and forgot where i was or who was driving the vehicle...

5) blue cheese...  not to make other cheeses feel badly cuz i do like them all...   but my heart is with blue...

6) lovemaking...  which the love affair with the blue cheese has recently put on hold...  i don't know why i have to choose!!!!  it's tearing me apart!!!  (i didn't include any pictures for this point)

7) reading... well more the idea of reading more... buying books and such... wandering around McNally and Robinson and having a nap in a chair in there...  and then i found audio books - where someone can read to you while you clean... or lay there...  eating blue cheese... and having no one attracted to you...

8) small children...  and old people...  i don't care much for the middle part of life people... recently - i saw my grandpa... first thing he said to me was - "you've gained weight..."  i love that old people and small children can tell you the truth...  small children don't know any better - until you yell at them and make them cry... then they learn... - and old people are living like it's their last day so they say horribly inappropriate things...

9) dancing...  my daughter and i I would say average a good hour of dancing per day...  to music... choreographed by mostly me... i let her ad-lib a little here and there...

10) my kid's having fun... especially of someone else takes them to the "fun-ness"...  makes me really happy...

i was not with them when they were killing birds... but this picture makes me happy... for them... not the birds...  

i asked Sienna what made her happy...  she said:

titty's  (she can't say her 'c' sound...  i hope)

bunnies

birdies

horsies

fly's

marni (her imaginary friend)

i'm actually happier with her list than mine...  i should go with her's...  

born this way

i feel like i must write this...  down...

not sure how to do so appropriately... so scrapped that idea...

here it goes...

i was reading to the kids the other night from the Bible... from Romans...  they were discussing the differences between Jews and Gentiles... particularly men... (cuz the Bible mainly likes to discuss men...)

neither of my boys asked any questions... they were not opening up the doorway to any sort of conversation about 'foreskin' or 'circumcision'...  even if they had a question they didn't dare ask for fear of what their over-zealous mother would answer...

(ethan once asked why his dad had armpit hair and two hours later he knew exactly where babies came from...) i'm kidding...

i'm actually just as awkward about these conversations as they are... and i giggle too much...

in all fairness to me... this is what i have to look at when i'm giving the 'birds and the bees' chat... a magician or a sheriff... or his latest 'vampire'... sheesh...

so, i start in on the circumcision talk...  i say 'do you know what that word means?'

they both say, 'no'...

i say, 'it means that the foreskin is cut of the penis'...

ethan immediately plugs his ears, starts rocking in the fetal position, and says, 'i think i'm going to puke'

brandon says, 'huh...  and here i thought i was just born that way...  kinda like Lady GaGa's song'

i can't stop laughing...  really, really hard.... and Sienna is screaming and chanting the word 'penis' (which up until this point has never been used in our household... and i'm now going back to never using it again)

brandon says, 'why isn't everyone's like mine???'

i say (amidst tears from giggling) 'when you were born, 9 years ago, i still thought it was kinda the thing to do...  so when you were 6 days old we took you to the hospital and the doctor cut...  he...'

brandon quickly interjects with 'i get it'

then i add 'i also believed that it would be good because your dilly-dong (sienna started chanting dilly-dong) wouldn't get infected and i assumed i would never, ever have to talk to you about it!!!'

ethan had turned a darker shade of green by now and i thought i should stop talking... i said 'well, i think that about wraps up that conversation... (to which i wanted to add... not like your twig which is no longer wrapped up!!! bahahaha...)'

now... there are so many parents who come to me for parenting advice...  catherine, how do you do this and what do you say about that..  that sort of thing... 

my advice... (i can almost feel the anticipation)...  is don't creep your kids out too much...  think back to when you were a child... did you want to hear your mother say 'vagina, penis'... no... did you want to hear her say anything about your anatomy??? no...  if anything... a quick convo about not letting anyone see or touch your 'private parts' and possibly an illustrated book or drawings (not done by your mom!!!) when you are old enough...  where everything is, their actual names or where they go!!!  (i'm giggling... i can't stop) 

i also believe if your child wants to know too much about such things as the intimacy in the boudoir... perhaps the little Casanova's thought patterns need to be redirected???  

unless you are planning on being in the medical field... the majority of the adults do not use proper terms in referring to their 'junk or girls'...  i'm not against children learning the proper terms... go ahead and learn them... in fact i'm for it...  just don't say them like people won't giggle or catch their breath or have a certain level of shock factor involved with you spouting out body part names...  

when a boy get's hit in the 'go-nads' -  i don't want to hear him scream 'ow, my scrotum'...  

this leads me to my last story...  

i was taking ethan and his 6 and 7 year old friends to a movie for his birthday last april...  they were watching home alone 2 in my vehicle...  (we like to 'prep' a movie with a movie in the vehicle... and then one on the way home... totals about 5 hours of movie watching... and alot of sugar...  see why i get asked parenting advice all the time!!!)  

one of ethan's friends' pipes up... 'you know what would make this movie so much more better???  if they hit each other in the berries more'

this was received with raucous laughter and high fives and the boy that said it was a genius and everyone's hero...  

i was thinking to myself 'would it have been received in the same light-hearted fun fashion if he had decided to go with the clinical term... or would his friend sitting beside him have hit him in his berries'

meals to the field - part 2

harvest 2011...  started August 13th... my first official big meal to the field... 


these are the containers I take meals out in ...  

my morning starts here, with two loads in the dishwasher...  and i generally start cooking about 10 am and don't stop till 5...


i employ small children... three of them...  i pay them what they're worth...


sienna get's an orange... or a noodle...

ethan get's beef jerky... and to 'strap on the rodger's championship belt'...

brandon get's a toonie... to save up for such events as go karting... cuz how cool does one look in a go karting helmet??? pair that with some bowling shoes and you're set!!!

on August 17th... a nice, warm Wednesday...  i had the bags packed up and was ready to go... 9 men i was told...  


Greg, Jason, Kevin, Larry, Randy, Andy, Bill, Jeff, Jason, Larry  


the menu that night was:  
- Western Beef and Beans (Western means you feel manly when you eat it)
- Whipped Potatoes
- Corn on the Cob
- Ceasar Salad
- Nectarine Upside Down Cake (it was supposed to be upside down... i'm assuming)

we get it all loaded up in the vehicle...  i had taken the opportunity (all 4 days into harvest - thinking the hubby's all exhausted and needs a 'pick-me-up') to put sticky notes with sharpie 'love notes and pictures' all over jason's containers...  tee-he...  mature...  


and i could never resist the urge to draw pictures on sticky notes with sharpies...  


i drive and start delivering the suppers...  thinking how excited jason's going to be to get his 'love parcel'...  about three wrong turns and 40 minutes later i've completely forgotten about the sticky notes and am sweating and panicked and late with supper...  


i finally am driving all over this field dropping bags of luke warm food off and i have one bag left (jason's) come up over a hill and see two combines...   


apparently he only counted 1 for Larry (even though there are 2 Larry's)  


there is Larry the hutterite...  probably 17 years old i'm guessing and looks like kid rock with short hair...  


and there is Larry the Grandpa...  this was the one left...


i phone my husband and say "you can't count"


he says "give my supper to Larry"


i say "sure thing big daddy"  


he says "over and out little lady"


(i made the last two lines up)


i get ethan "beef jerky"  to run Larry the supper...  and ethan decides to go for a combine ride with Larry...


it was only when i was sitting there, thinking 'mission accomplished'... then i started thinking about tom cruise in mission impossible... and then rob lowe's new book stories i only tell my friends in which he talks about tom cruise.... and then the fact that who names a book that title only to proceed to publish it for millions to read and i wouldn't really feel that special as a friend anymore... say if rob lowe was around a campfire with you and goes 'i have a great story i only will tell this campfire group of friends'... and you're thinking, ya me and the million losers that download your book on itunes...


where was i... oh yes... when it suddenly hit me like... hmmm... a sack full of bricks???... (i'm horrible with sayings)...  "I GAVE THE SHARPIE/STICKY NOTES TO LARRY"...  


it was almost like on home alone when he realizes he's home alone... and puts his hands up to his face... and it's a precious moment in cinematography... 


except mine was minus the hands and precious momentness...  more the puke in the mouth event...  




i don't know what is worse...  Larry the Grandpa trying to choke down a supper covered with aztec like artwork....  or my 7 year old boy who DOES know how to read having to watch this all unfold in the combine...


when i picked ethan up from his very disturbing combine ride (which i'm sure will come up in therapy someday) not a word was said, to Larry, to ethan... and it's even too early for crickets!!!  not a sound in the air...


now whenever i see the post it's and sharpies...  i force myself to allow sienna to do the drawings to cheer people up...